Meeting my Self and fearing Me ever since

I am a Course in Miracles student. I say I love the Course, and I think I do, but I am also scared to death of it. Now, if you are also a student, you might think, why in the world would you be afraid of it? And you left yourself a little clue in that question. The answer is the world, or more precisely, our relationship with the world, which is the world as we perceive it - the ego identity. We are scared to let this relationship totally go. Most don't even know it's possible. This is impossible to understand unless you have had a revelation or a real miracle - the shift in perception from being a human in the space-time world to being an Entity that resides outside the world.

If you wish, you can do a little experiment and get a little taste of this fear by doing a short, simple meditation or contemplation. Just think about the idea of loving everyone and everything equally. No special places, no special deeds, no special people, no special kids, no special grandkids, no special you. If you really contemplate this, the ego will send shivers down your spine because it knows that if you seriously entertain this perspective, smell the freedom in it, and, ego forbid, choose this perspective, there is no ego in that choice - negative ego, to be exact. Just notice the resistance, and if you think you do not have any, let me give you a more specific example: love Trump/Biden the same way you love your child/pet. Theeere. See?

The meeting with mySelf happened about 30 years ago. I was a kid, about 9 or 10 years old. I guess I could still think innocently and open-mindedly. School and social pressure to act and behave according to one's age, according to society's standards, were not yet fully implemented in my identity. The thoughts of not identifying with the world that seem less desirable now were more desirable then.

Every weekend, my mother and I would visit my grandmother, her mother. They had a codependent relationship that allowed me to spend two days a week in nature if I wanted to. Now that I think about it, I always had the best insights or communication with my Teachers when I was playing outside, immersed in my own world. The connection was also there to some degree while I was inside and watching television, for example, commenting on the program. But the most profound insights were outside, when I was in the state of play and flow without artificial input like television, back in the early 1990s.

I was outside, in a woodshed near the house. I was not playing that afternoon. I was stressed and in emotional turmoil. I do not know what the conflict was about, but it definitely had to do with the outside world and my relationship to it. I was feeling hurt, angry, and resentful, and I felt I was being treated unfairly. The world, or I, was not living up to my expectations. It still happens to much in everyday experience. I know you can relate to this. Sometimes I wonder if it would be beneficial for me to do some sort of hypnotic regression and tap into the subconscious database, akashic records, to get the details of the problem.

When I remember it, the first image that comes to mind is a big pile of wood and a stick in my hand. I was standing next to the pile, hitting or poking the pieces of wood. Not in anger, but definitely in frustration. That was what the body was doing automatically, as a soothing ritual. In my mind, there was a battle of ideas. Some ideas were justifying my pain in every possible way, and some ideas were arguing for letting it go. I was in the middle, listening, evaluating, and judging the ideas. I do not know how long this went on. My sense of memory would say 15 to 30 minutes. At some point, with the magical conviction of a child, I made a final decision in my mind about the perspective I was going to choose. With a sort of "fuck it" attitude, I decided that I was done thinking about the world, reminding myself that I still and always will have the Voice of wisdom in my head, and that is all I need. Being done with it, I walked outside. Then it happened.

Almost as soon as I stepped outside, this gentle, very familiar yet insistent Voice in my head began thanking me, and it didn't stop. The feeling and tone of these thank-yous caught my attention. It was not a simple thank-you like we say when we get chocolate. It was a deeply meant thank you, and it was getting stronger and stronger in feeling and repetition by the second. It had my full attention. "Welcome home, welcome back!" were the next words. The joy in the Voice is indescribable. It felt like I was the missing king of some kind of kingdom, and I finally came home, completely forgetting that there was someone who missed me very much. "Thank you for seeing me! Welcome home! Welcome back! Thank you!". Who came back? The Prodigal son.

I turned my attention to the outside world and looked at my surroundings. Every single object was acknowledging my presence and my return home. The grass, the trees, the sky. The whole environment was thanking me. I was treated like a king. It became so much that I began to get suspicious. Being raised by only women, praise was a common tool to manipulate my behavior to meet their expectations. "What's the big deal?" I said suspiciously. "What's all the fuss about?" I could not understand because I had done nothing to deserve it. I did not get a good grade, I did not clean my room, I did not sit there and be quiet. What is going on here? This question opened the door. I wanted to know, so I got the answer. Immediately I was told about my true nature and my false nature by comparing them.

To be able to understand the next section, watch and FEEL this video first. Then read the rest.

It felt similar to watching a video comparing the sizes of different planets. It starts with the smaller planet (representing the ego self, the false self, or nature), then puts a bigger planet next to it, then a bigger planet next to it. Oh, look, there is the Earth, I live there. Then Jupiter appears, and its size causes the feelings to change. Then they put the Sun in comparison, and you can no longer follow this idea of magnitude of size and volume. The ego breaks. When they get to the galaxies, the rational mind can no longer compute, and we are just in awe, wondering about the worlds that we have never contemplated before.

A similar feeling was present when the Voice explained my identity. I was told that everything in the world was really in my world. Every concept and every relationship I had with it was there because I chose it. They showed me all the unnecessary suffering and fear that I had endured up to that point and told me that it was all unreal, not as experiences but as the objective outside source or cause of the experience. It was there because I put it there for one reason or another. So nothing really affected me, and nothing can affect me or hurt me. When the Voice explained the next deductive conclusion, that I really had no effect on other people and everyone was free to choose, my emotional state became multidimensional.

It was as if four or five different emotions merged, and I could feel them all at the same time. One of them was the realization and grief that I had suffered for no reason other than my own. At the same time, there was the feeling of realizing that I no longer have to do this and that I am completely free. There was also the feeling of being an obvious idiot about what was really going on in my psyche. A big one was the Love of the Voice, because it was not angry at all about my sins or mistakes in the past. At that time, I cried like a little kid. And I was a little kid. I have teary eyes right now, remembering that.

The revelation was fast and intense. They knew that I would soon return to my normal state of consciousness. They knew that my visit to Eternity would be short, so they tried to push as much as they could into my conscious mind. The one doing the pushing was my superconscious mind, the Higher Self, but explaining this is beyond the scope of this post. The essence of the book called A Course in Miracles was being purred into me. They explained that I made it all up. The house, the school, my friends, and my mom. The last thing I remember is a lesson about my will. The Voice said that my remembering and renunciation of the world was His Will, and that It was also my will, even if I was not yet aware of it, so there was no reason to fight it or be afraid of it. At that point, they began to lose me. I had to pull back to my ego identity to feel safe in the old ideas that I knew and functioned within. It was too much.

The Voice ended with a firm instruction. "Teach this!" it said. I immediately objected. I was already back in my ego identity and thought there was no way I could do this. I gave them a good ten-year-old's reason. "I can't even explain and make my mother understand that school is stupid and a waste of time; how can I explain that the same applies to this world to other people?" There was no answer. Probably because I did not really want it and was not open to it. There was no willingness in me to know. I just decided it was impossible and that I am going to keep this little special secret to myself and stay safe.

Thirty years later, after reading the Course and other channeled material from Jesus, I still hesitate to teach it fully. This is not something the ego wants to learn. I was hopeful when I joined some ACIM groups on Facebook, but now I am not in them anymore, for my peace of mind. Ego gets irritated, and teachers want to be idolized. It can't be understood with the ego mind. Yes, the lines can be repeated and regurgitated exactly, but that doesn't mean you really understand them. Remember when you did math or physics in school? You knew the formula, you knew how to do the gymnastics with the symbols on the paper, and you knew how to get the result that the teacher wanted. But did you really understand it and its implications? Fuck no.

Of course, this is all an excuse, as I am beginning to realize. I have to teach it so that I can learn it. And so I come full circle back to the beginning. The problem is my fear of losing my worldly identity and my indoctrinated wordly idols. It feels like the Truth is attacking my chosen ideals, but what it is really trying to do is help me renounce the world and recognize my true Function here, because that is the ultimate goal of being in this world. That is graduation and the ticket out of this mental institution. Do you want to learn about it?